Emptiness, confusion, and frustration.
I never seem to know where I want to be. I never seem to belong where I am. I never seem to be in the right place at the right time.
I always seem to be somewhere in between what I want and people’s opinions. Lost in a loud, stereotypical and judgmental world, I can’t hear my voice. I lose track of my desires and deepest dreams. I walk furious and hurt because I know where I want to go, but surprisingly I’m embarking on a different route. So I walk with my head facing a different direction; swiveling. I’m frustrated watching people around me following their true passions and thriving in it.
I compare myself to them, see my potential, but question my ability and chances. Maybe because failing is not an option for me. Maybe because failure is detrimental in my case. Who do I fall back to? Who do I rely on? Who will I not burden, during my times of need? Who will help me because they believe in me without asking for anything in return?
I wake up in the middle of nights and stare at a dark ceiling. I can’t see anything, but my eyes are open. I can’t see anything, but my vision is 20/20. And this is how I feel every day, not just at night. I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t see anything that makes me, me. I don’t see myself. I see a product of opinions, fears, and self-doubts. I see a woman that wants to be more than just beautiful. I see a woman that wants to give, leave a legacy, inspire, and motivate, but in her own unique way. I see a woman that faces internal conflicts every day. I see a woman who sporadically lives her potential and dream and craves to make her dreams a reality.
I also see a woman who knows she can, but she isn’t.
Life hits you. You work hard, you stay focused, you mean good, you love, you give, you sacrifice, you learn, you improve, and then...you get slapped in the face. You get slapped so hard that it feels like you didn’t do any of the “proper” work mentioned above. And then you wonder, why even try, and spend endless nights reconsidering everything you thought made perfect sense.
So suddenly, you feel out of place. Do I dream too big? Am I too ambitious? Am I positive or naive? Am I good enough? What is my value?
Why am I here? You change your “here” and the feeling is the same. Why can’t I feel like I’m doing the “right” thing? Why can’t I get the feeling of fulfillment? Why is there a side of me that doesn’t want to do the “right” or “expected” thing? Why does it get so lonely around people? Why can’t others understand me? Why don’t others believe in me? Do I still believe in myself?
Will my existence ever make sense? Will I ever be part of what makes me happy? Will it remain a dream? Am I chasing my dream in the right place?
Where do I belong? Do these people even like me?
Unemployed, educated, creative, caring, passionate, hardworking, sincere, and misunderstood chasing plans I grew up hating.
In life you adjust and settle or you adjust and take a leap of faith to follow what sets your heart on fire. What am I doing? What are you doing?
To belong is to be somewhere or be part of something for a long time...
Only time I feel like I belong is when I’m on a plane heading to my next destination.