N.U.M.B : Neutral. Undecided. Misunderstood. Bipolar


Where do I begin?

 The feeling of numbness is so powerful. It can motivate you to act, be passive or fall apart. So many things are going on in my head and only a few are reflected on the outside.

 Where do I begin?

Should I talk about the countless job applications I have submitted or the ongoing heartbreak I endure from the same person? Where did I go wrong? When did I lose control of what I do or how I feel? I’m not sure. All I know is that I am tired of repeating the same things. I am tired of hurting for the same reason. I am tired of being overlooked, underestimated, and feeling inadequate.

 Am I really not good enough?

What is it? I went to school, I earned my degrees, and trust that I graduated with a hell of a GPA in each one of them.  I don’t even know if the effort I put in truly matters. While I am applying for all these positions that I busted my b*** to qualify for, there are others that “get in” simply because they know someone I don’t.

Did I do college wrong?

Was I supposed to be focusing on becoming my professor’s pet instead of being the student in the front row that rarely raised her hand, but knew all the answers when asked a question? If I ever have children of my own, how will I justify them getting their education? A degree doesn’t make you better than others. A degree does not equal a job. Real life experience doesn’t always mean consideration for a position. 

How do I continue to motivate myself?

You see, all an employer sees is an application. ‘She studied there, played basketball too, good grades, decent writing skills, couple of experiences…” He or she doesn’t know that I had to begin working at the age of 12 (or earlier) because that experience is outdated. The employer doesn’t know that my freshman year in college, I had to use my meal money to pay for my health insurance and taxes in order to be able to continue my studies in the United States. The employer doesn’t know that my third year in college I was hospitalized for days, missed 8 out of the 10 weeks of the second quarter just to come back, catch up on ALL THE WORK, and finish with a 4.0.

The employer doesn’t see me. She or he sees a paper and believes that that is all the information needed to formulate an accurate opinion of who I am and my skills. There are so many qualified, intelligent, creative, authentic, and innovative minds that are unemployed because they don’t have a piece of paper (due to financial or life circumstances).  And there are also individuals with degrees, certificates and years of experience who don’t give an absolute fry for making the world a better place to live in. They just focus on getting paid.

I’m N.U.M.B. I’m neutral to what is going on around me, undecided about which route I should pursue, misunderstood as a black bi woman, and bipolar; I don’t know to feel. One day I wake up with the mindset of changing this world and the next day I realize that I don’t have a place in this world. I am ‘too much’, ‘too loud’, ‘too opinionated’, ‘too demanding’, ‘too open-minded’,  ‘too sensitive’ , and too freaking amazing for insecure and underdeveloped personalities to handle me.

So, how do I keep myself motivated?

I look at myself. I look at people like me. I look at people of the past who fought for me to be able to play basketball today, be bisexual openly, and have a ‘place’ as a black woman.  I think of the future and the number of women like me that will benefit from this fight I am willing to give today.

I am bold, outspoken, strong, independent, dynamic, sensitive, bisexual, black, vibrant, a woman, but most importantly A PERSON.

I dare you to be you. I dare you to find your reason to keep going in this N.U.M.B state you are in. I dare you to demand your space in offices just the way you are. I dare you to start this fight for a better world, so you can find peace within yourself.

Love Always,

Jessica Ogunnorin

 

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